


Ask Me No Questions

by VirtusFortitudoEtSapientia



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Armin turns out to be a little shit too, Boys Kissing, Brief mention of gender issues, But he's still getting some, Coming Out, Condom slogans, Eren doesn't know where babies come from, Female Hange spelt Hanji, LITERALLY, M/M, Mikasa just wanted to know where babies come from, Secret Relationship, Shiganshina Trio are older, So many condom slogans, The Survey Corps gets a sex ed lesson, Ymir is a little shit, at least it was
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 00:32:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9409619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VirtusFortitudoEtSapientia/pseuds/VirtusFortitudoEtSapientia
Summary: -And I'll Tell You No LiesMikasa has a question. Levi, unfortunately, finds himself on the receiving end.Armin's no help.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Another one-shot discovered on my USB; pretty much just a half-thought-out mess, but I figured I'd share it anyway. I hope you guys enjoy it, and if you do, check out my other stories!
> 
> Don't forget to leave a kudos if you liked!

_Ha ha, well now!_  
_We call this the act of mating_  
 _But there are several other very important differences_  
 _Between human beings and animals that you should know about._

* * *

 

            “Captain.”

Levi looked up from his tea to eye Mikasa, who was standing in front of the head table with a determined look in her eye. Her body was held in a stiff salute, and her expression remained stoic as ever.

She looked every bit the formidable soldier she was.

            “At ease, Private Ackerman.” He greeted. “What is it?”

His first thought was that it was to do with Eren, but the man was sitting at his own table, watching them curiously. Beside him, Armin was doing the same, glancing between another of the 104th – Ymir, he thought – and the conversation going on up here.

            “I have a question, sir. Ymir thought it best directed at you.”

He sat back, bringing his cup with him as she relaxed into a casual stance, and nodded.

            “Well, what’s your question?”

At this, she hedged, which concerned him. Usually straight-forward in a way he could appreciate, seeing her avoiding his gaze and staring at the wall was – unnerving.

By now most of the hall was listening in. Nosy bastards. He ignored them and cocked his head when she took too long to answer.

            “It’s something that’s been bothering me since I was a little girl, to be honest.” She admitted, almost _shyly_. “And no one will tell me. They either laugh or don’t answer. Or they don’t know.”

He was staring to get a bad feeling about this. Beside him, on one side, Hanji was looking far too interested, leaning forward with eager anticipation all over her face. On the other, Petra and Eld were exchanging glances.

            “Spit it out, Private.”

So, she did.

            “I would like to know how babies are made.”

Silence.

And then the entire hall burst out laughing as one, with the exception of the few at the 104th’s chosen table, where Eren was flushed bright red, Armin looked concerned and the others were at varying levels between. Even Hanji was chortling, and Levi placed his cup down carefully, watching the girl.

Between them, she and Eren killed three men when they were nine years old. The same three men who, reportedly, killed Mikasa’s birth parents. At ten, she lost her second set of parents in the fall of Shiganshina.  Levi knew, through Armin, that the three had joined the military partially because it was a way out of living on the streets and struggling to survive, so when he thought about it –

Really, there was no way she’d know. No one to tell her, and it only took one look to see that her life was about protecting Eren, not trivial matters such as reproduction.

What surprised him, was that Eren or Armin hadn’t told her.

The possibility that _they_ didn’t know, at eighteen and nineteen respectively, made him blanch. Especially when Eren was often caught with his hands full of some girl or others backside, and Armin– Oh dear Walls.

That was something he’d have to look into later.

            “Shut the fuck up.” He told the room at large, and the hall quietened as one, some looking sheepish, others still muffling laughter into their hands.

            “It’s simple enough.” Levi decided just to address the situation at hand, for now. In no uncertain terms, he gave her a rundown of the facts. “A penis enters a vagina during sex. When the penis ejaculates, it pushes sperm through the vagina into the womb, which – hang on, come closer.”

He had to sit up on his knees to reach, but once he could, and she was standing against the table, he pressed his hand to her lower belly. “Your womb is here.” He demonstrated, before he pulled away. “Over the course of a month, your body releases what are called eggs. They travel through the womb. If you have sex at the right time of the month, the sperm and the egg interact. Sperm fertilises the egg, and the egg then attaches to the womb. Over the next nine months, the egg turns into a baby. At the end of nine months, you go through hell shitting out a brand new human being. How about that?”

            “Oh.” Her face cleared and she nodded. “Sometimes I’ve seen fat girls being congratulated on their stomachs – is that where the baby is?”

            “Yep.”

            “But what about the eggs that don’t meet sperm?”

He frowned. “That’s what your periods are for. Did they not teach you this in Basic? It’s a way of getting rid of unfertilised eggs and the parts of the womb that don’t get used.”

She frowned.

            “They stop during pregnancy, by the way.”

            “Pregnancy?”

            “The time between the egg being fertilised and you screaming as you try to pop a baby out your vagina.”

            “Oh.”

She fell quiet for a moment, then asked, in all seriousness; “So two boys or two girls can have babies together, too?”

The snickering started up again and Levi glared at the room once more before he answered.

            “Yes.” Everyone fell quiet again, this time staring at _Levi_ incredulously. He clarified. “If one has a penis and the other a vagina.”

Some appeared to think he was joking as they laughed out loud, but others began to look thoughtful. _Good. At least_ some _of them have brains._

            “What if they don’t? Like you and Armin. How will you have babies?”

Ah.

 _Oh Sina_.

This time the silence in the hall was deafening, as all eyes turned to Levi and Armin in turn. A glance out of the corner of his eye showed Armin slowly getting redder and redder, and the Captain was sure that he himself wasn’t faring much better.

He glared at the floor. At the ceiling. At anything that wasn’t a person, really.

            “We – ah – haven’t had that conversation yet.” He muttered to the air, flushing when someone swore at his table. “But…um. Couples that can’t have children by their own means…uh, they can adopt. Or sometimes they can use a surrogate, or a sperm donor.”

            “A sperm donor – someone with a penis?”

            “Mhm.” He kept his eyes on the ceiling, absently noting all the dust and webs gathered amongst the beams.

            “So, a surrogate would be…someone with a vagina?”

            “Who can carry a baby for the whole nine months, yeah.”

He should have cleaned it already. But how to get up there without damaging the structure? The ODM gear was out of the question.

            “Then, if you and Armin wanted to have a baby, I could carry it for you?”

He blinked, and finally turned his eyes back down to stare at the girl.

Then, against his will, his lips quirked up in an amused grin, and he shook his head.

            “Considering how protective you are of Eren against me, I don’t think that would be a good idea. I’m not fighting with anyone just to look after my own damn child.”

She had the grace to flush at that, but shook her head and asked one last question.

            “So, sex is for having babies?”

            “Uh-” he wasn’t entirely sure how to answer that one. “Some would argue that.”

            “Sir, I think a lot of people in the dorms are trying to have babies.”

He outright smirked at that, and shook his head, watching with more than a little glee as a huge number of people went very, very red.

            “Most people just do it because it feels good if done right, and it’s a way to feel close to your partner.” He laughed out loud at his own sentimentality, eyes back on the ceiling. “If you don’t want kids or diseases, use condoms.” With a flourish, he tugged one from his own back pocket, a little card wrapper in plain brown and threw it to her.

            “Ask Armin to show you how it works. I _know_ he knows how to use one of those.”

There was a squeak from the 104th side of the room, followed by a series of jeers and wolf-whistles, though Levi refused to look over for want of trying not to laugh. Instead, he watched Mikasa as she stared at it with interest, examining the packet, until he couldn’t take it anymore.

            “Don’t be a fool, cover your tool.” The slogan slipped out before he could stop it, and there was a moment of quiet before –

            “Don’t be silly; cover your willie!” Hanji sang next to him. He went to turn to her and ask _what_ but Petra – _Petra_ – joined in.

            “Cloak the joker before you poke her!”

            “No glove, no love?” Gunther piped up, and shrugged when Eld grinned, throwing in his own.

            “Wrap it before you slap it.”

            “Wrap your meat before you beat.” Was Oluo’s contribution. Not to be outdone, Mike, on Hanji’s other side, shook his head, and solemnly informed the room;

            “Love is cleaner with a packaged wiener.”

            “If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.”

All eyes turned to the doorway, where Erwin was leaning against the doorframe with a wide grin on his face and his arms crossed over his chest. When he noticed the attention, he shrugged.

            “I came to see what was taking you so long, Levi. We have a meeting, remember?”

He rolled his eyes but stood up, grabbing his jacket, and ignoring Erwin’s pointed look.

            “How long have you been standing there?” He groused, slipping his arms in and waving Mikasa back to her seat. Erwin chuckled.

            “Long enough to find out where you’ve been disappearing off to for the last eight months, you sly dog.”

Levi flushed, considered mouthing off and thought better of it, and started making his way over to the Commander, only to snatch the papers Erwin held out to him, and veer left.

Armin, though flushed a pretty pink and hiding his face from everyone at the table behind his hands, was grinning widely as he turned his head to peer at Levi through his fingers. Levi couldn’t quite stop his own smile back, but was quick to whip the papers up and hide both their faces from the majority of the hall as he leant in close. Armin pulled his fingers away just in time to receive a brief but in no way chaste kiss full on the mouth, and when Levi pulled away, he groaned.

            “You planned this, you fuck.” The raven accused, but he was still smiling behind the papers, and Armin blinked innocently up at him.

            “Who, me? You know I wouldn’t manipulate my superiors like that.” He simpered, and received a whack across the head with the papers – now rolled up – for his troubles. The next kiss was done in full view of everyone, but this time it _was_ chaste – except for when Levi bit the blonde’s lip in retaliation. Armin yelped, he kissed it better and straightened up.

            “Give her, and anyone else who needs it- ” he pointed the papers at Mikasa, “A run down on sexuality and consent issues. I can’t believe this was never covered in basic. Also, I find it hard to believe you couldn’t answer her questions.” He raised an eyebrow in askance, and Armin huffed a little.

            “Yes, well, I was _ten_ when she asked me.” He groused, and Levi snorted.

            “Figures.”

And as he stood, wolf-whistles echoed through the hall, almost forcing a smile from his tingling lips. He ignored them, joined Erwin beside the doorway – only to turn back at the last minute with a smirk.

            “Oh, and Armin?”

            “Yes?”

            “Tonight, you’ll be showing me _exactly_ what you do know. A hands-on demonstration, if you will. I might just be able to give you some pointers.”

As the rest of the hall burst into laughter and cat-calls, Armin went pink, but leapt from his seat in an enthusiastic salute, shouting “I’m always eager to learn, sir!” with a shit-eating grin.

He turned back before everyone else could spot his own smile, and ignored Erwin when the man just laughed.

 _‘Eager to learn’_ , indeed. ‘Eager’ didn’t even _begin_ to cover it.

The perks of sleeping with a bookworm. Who knew?

* * *

 

 _(Do it now)_  
_You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals_  
_So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel_  
_(Do it again now)_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I do not, in any way, profit from this story and all creative rights belong to their original creator(s).
> 
> Lyrics from Bloodhound Gang's 'The Bad Touch'.


End file.
